Motherhood

I am a stay at home mother.  Homemaker.  Taxi driver, personal chef, personal tutor, teacher, accountant, and much more.  But I do not get paid.  Not one bit.  I work hard.  And I have to admit, I struggle, almost daily with self-worth because of this.

I know what I am doing right now is important.  I know it is the most important job I could be doing right now. I have always wanted this.  But it still doesn't mean it is easy, to always feel important. Especially in the world that we live in.  For example:  work functions with my husband are always interesting for me.  He is a surgeon (who assures me that he doesn't do anything impressive either???).  But at these dinners I always seem to get asked what I "do."  I reply that we have four children and I stay at home.  The typical response that I get is, "Four kids is a lot.  Wow"  Then it seems like no one really knows what to say to me.

There are days I want to scream at the world that I have a college degree.  I studied hard and graduated with a very good GPA.  I worked in marketing.  I enjoyed my job.  I got a nice pay check.  And even nicer bonuses.  But honestly it bored me a little bit and whole time I was doing it I wanted one thing.  To start my family and to stay at home with them.  Little over eight years ago I gave up my paycheck to stay at home.  A few years ago I watched another little boy in our home and got paid for it, but other than that, I haven't seen a paycheck in quite a long time.

My choice to stay at home has not been an easy one financially.  I didn't choose this path because we were set.  During my stay at home years, my husband has been a full time medical student or resident the entire time.  We acquired more student loans so I could stay home.  Residency is a struggle financially for a single resident, and it has even been more so for our little family of six.  And there are certainly a lot of days I feel guilty about this.

Deep down I feel like I should be contributing. Financially. I have a lot of talented stay at home mom friends.  They are photographers, bloggers, crafters, seamstresses, writers, babysitters, they use their talents to make a little extra money.  I am not one of those.  I like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" kinda girl.  I can do many things.  But I don't feel like I can do one thing really well.  I make dinner every night, but I am no Pioneer Woman.  My house is clean and fairly organized, but it will never be featured in Better Homes and Garden.  I can sew and I like to make crafts, but I am no Martha Stewart.

The first year home was the hardest.  It was a very hard adjustment to go from paychecks to no paychecks. From getting up and dressed every morning to hoping my baby would take a long enough morning nap so I could take a shower that day.  It was hard adjusting from eating lunch out every day with co-workers to forcing myself to find a social outlet so I could talk to an adult.  But once I got through that first year, I adjusted.  And I have loved it.

I absolutely LOVE staying at home.  I have total freedom. Don't tell my 3 year old, but I am the boss.  And for a control freak like myself, that is pretty darn important.

Well, a few weeks ago I was having this internal struggle once again.  Our lives would be so much easier if I could just find a way to contribute financially to our family.  If I only had a talent that made money.

It happened to be General Conference weekend.  This is a world-wide broadcast our church holds twice a year.  The leaders speak to us, teach us and if we listen and are in tune to the spirit, we can be inspired, learn and hear answers to our prayers.

Sunday afternoon as I was struggling internally, and wrestling kids to stay quiet and entertained for the last 2 hour (of 8 hours) session,  I heard the answer I had been looking for.

Elder M. Russell Ballard, a member of the Quorum of Twelve Disciples, gave a talk "That they Lost May Be Found."  (click for full text).  He was talking about families and the importance of a good home.  I was sitting on the floor while my 3 year old was "making my hair pretty" and I heard him say this,


"And to you young women, I would add that you must also not lose sight of this responsibility.  No career can bring you as much fulfillment as rearing a family.  And when you are my age, you will realize this even more."

I almost cried!  This was the answer to what I was looking for.

That night when Wade and I were talking, I shared this experience with him. He couldn't even remember this talk.  And while he understands that I struggle with this, he think's it's silly that I feel this way at times.  He tells me time and time again that my work inside our home is in fact some of the most hard work out there.

~~~

The talks given during General Conference are now online and I've printed this specific talk out and studied it, highlighted it, and cherished it.

Some more of my favorite quotes from this talk are:

"There can be no genuine happiness separate and apart from the home...There is no happiness without service, and there is no service greater than that which converts the home into a divine institution, and which preserves family life....The home is what needs reforming." -Joseph F. Smith

"When families work and play together, neighborhoods and communities flourish, economies improve, and less government and fewer costly safety nets are required."

"First, may I suggest that we prioritize.  Put everything you do outside the home in subjection to and in support of what happens inside your home.  Remember President Harold B. Lee's counsel that "the most important work you will ever do will be with the walls of your own homes"  and President David O. McKays' timeless "No other success can compensate for failure in the home.""

"Organize your personal lives to provide time for prayer and scriptures and family activity.  Give your children responsibilities in the home that will teach them how to work.  Teach them that living the gospel will lead them away from the filth, promiscuity, and violence of the Internet, media and video games.  They will not be lost and they will be prepared to handle responsibly when it is thrust upon them."

"Everyone, married, or single can be happy and supportive within whatever family you may have."

~~~

I'm not really sure where I was even going with this blog post, except to share my thoughts.  I know Heavenly Father is aware of us and our needs.  I know for many reasons, but also because my silly worries about contributing financially to my family were answered a few weeks ago at General Conference.

I don't need a paycheck for what I do.

I've decided this:  I am passionate about being a stay at home mom.  I live in a world where being a stay at home mom isn't seen as "work."  I live in a world where mom's are necessarily admired or seen as important.  But believe me, what I do every day is important.  It does take work and effort.  And to do it will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do in my entire life.

But at the end of the day, when I sit down and really think about what I want out of this life - why I am here, where I am going, what my "purpose" is....I know it is because of these little people that challenge me every single day.  I am here for them, to serve them, to teach them and to grow.

And that might not ever be a job that pays the bills.

But it makes me who I am, it gives me peace, and no amount of money can change that.

I am a mother.